the girl at the counter looks askance at my pile of items-to-be-purchased. most of it is unremarkable -- broad beans, malkist crackers, little bottles of vinegar and alcohol (for anti-ear infection wash), big waters, the odd bit of chocolate. but: "miss. pampers, miss." the girl says it with equal parts emphasis and disbelief. (translation: "um, foreign girl. what the hell are you doing????") i beam at her. i have been looking for adult-sized diapers for a while now, and it is excellent luck to have found some, just days before a long bus trip. "ya, pampers!" i exclaim. "saya perlu untuk bis!" (translation: "yes, pampers! i need for the bus!")
so many bus rides spent worrying i might end up humiliating myself by getting up from a damp seat. so many bus rides spent chewing at my chapped lips, feeling my tissues shrivel for lack of moisture, yet not daring to risk more than a throat-wetting sip of water. so many mornings debating whether to drink the delicious chai/teh tarik/kopi in front of me, or to let my fear of caffeine's diuretic effects take control.
with the adult diaper, now i have control. at least, in the sense that i have created a safe place for me to lose control. strapping it on gives me a warm, safe feeling. like strapping on a set of plate armor.