the pampers project

the girl at the counter looks askance at my pile of items-to-be-purchased.  most of it is unremarkable -- broad beans, malkist crackers, little bottles of vinegar and alcohol (for anti-ear infection wash), big waters, the odd bit of chocolate.  but:  "miss.  pampers, miss."  the girl says it with equal parts emphasis and disbelief.  (translation:  "um, foreign girl.  what the hell are you doing????")  i beam at her.  i have been looking for adult-sized diapers for a while now, and it is excellent luck to have found some, just days before a long bus trip.  "ya, pampers!"  i exclaim.  "saya perlu untuk bis!"  (translation: "yes, pampers!  i need for the bus!")

so many bus rides spent worrying i might end up humiliating myself by getting up from a damp seat.  so many bus rides spent chewing at my chapped lips, feeling my tissues shrivel for lack of moisture, yet not daring to risk more than a throat-wetting sip of water.  so many mornings debating whether to drink the delicious chai/teh tarik/kopi in front of me, or to let my fear of caffeine's diuretic effects take control.

with the adult diaper, now i have control.  at least, in the sense that i have created a safe place for me to lose control.  strapping it on gives me a warm, safe feeling.  like strapping on a set of plate armor.  

um, a set of plate armor for a man thrice my size ...